I had another saccades attack a week ago. I am glad it was not a full vertigo attack. I was sitting at the computer, trying to finish writing an article, and my eyes started to go berserk. Saccades are involuntary rapid eye movements. An attack is when they go out of control. Sometimes, if I fix my gaze, I can calm them.
I thought I could drink enough water to hold off the attack, because a couple of times I did. But, by 11:30am I could no longer hold it off. I gave up, and went upstairs to sleep it off. I woke up at 1:30 and it was over.
On reflection, I realized that when I have the attacks, either saccades, or a full-blown vertigo attack, I feel vulnerable. I’m not in control of my vision, which means I’m barely in control of my body. I can almost see where I’m going. I need my cane to walk across an area where I don’t have access to a wall, because I don’t have any balance.
I’ve been reading Brené Brown’s books about vulnerability and shame, to sort out my feelings about vulnerability.
Brown talks about vulnerability resilience in her books. I have now read Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead. I’m still processing what I’ve read, so I don’t have the answers yet, but I realize that feeling sad about being out of control is just fine. That was reassuring.
One of the quotes that I found helpful but didn’t precisely resonate in this situation is this:
Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.
I don’t feel shame about having a saccades attack or a vertigo attack. I feel disconnected and alone. I feel broken. I feel as if I have a half a life. I feel as if I have a life that is not sustainable. To me, that’s vulnerability. I need to read the other two Brené Brown books. Of course, I read them out of order!
If you have perfection rules, read this book. If you have shame issues, read this book. At some point, I will write a real review. I have to read the other books to understand more about vulnerability resilience.
In the meantime, I’m still writing, preparing for AYE, going to the gym, going to my dance classes. I’m a little slower and a little dizzier than I was a week ago. If my past experience is any guide—and who knows if it will be—it will take me a couple of weeks for everything to calm down.
What I’ve learned about emotional resilience says take care of the physical first. That’s the first step. I did when I took my nap. I’m still pretty tired, so I’ve been going to bed earlier and taking naps. I think my gym work and dancing is also part of the physical, so that counts.
Back to work. I’m not ready for more problem solving and this dizzy broad has work to do.