Every day, my inbox is overflowing with people who want to sell me something. I suspect you have the same problem. These sellers do not realize that the relationship comes first, then the sale. Worse, without the relationship, I will never buy from them. Do they realize that? I suspect not.
Regardless of what you want to sell or who you want to influence, we all need to build relationships first. Then, we can choose when and how to deepen those relationships. The first step in that relationship is offering value to the other person.
Offer Value First
Value can be many things.
In a personal relationship, it might be the ease of sitting together, listening. (Even I, an extrovert, can sometimes manage my desire to inflict help.) Sometimes, value is being the person who can poke holes in your argument, so you can learn how to make a stronger argument. Especially in personal relationships, value might be doing something the other person cannot do right now, such as doing errands, making dinner, or taking the dog out for a walk. (It might even be nudging the other person to take the dog out for a walk, so they get outside.)
At work, value might be “just” doing your job, so the other person thinks of your competence first. I put “just” in quotes there, because too few organizations make doing our jobs easy. Instead, they unintentionally put up too many roadblocks. If you can finish your work, that’s quite valuable to other people.
In each of these examples, value first starts by knowing a little about what the other person needs. We often do that by creating empathy with the other person.
Create Empathy With Others
Too often, we don’t know the difference between sympathy, empathy, or pity. As a shortcut, I think of empathy as feeling with another person. Not for, as in pity. Or about as in sympathy.
Empathy is all about with. That’s why, sometimes sitting with another person is exactly what they need. Other times, it’s helping that other person off the couch or out of the house, because that’s what they need.
Value is when we offer people what they need, not what makes us feel good. Very few of us can do that without an empathic stance. That’s why those emails irritate me (and probably, you, too.) Those unsolicited emails show no empathy. Instead, they create imposition.
And no one wants to buy anything from an imposition, whether that “buy” is an idea or an actual sale of some product or service.
The earlier we create empathy, the more likely the we can create and then develop a relationship that offers more value.
Early Value Creates Relationships
I offer goods (books) and services (consulting) for sale. However, I try to offer value earlier and more often than I ask for a sale. That’s because I have learned that neither of the people in my reader or client relationships are commodities. I am unique and so are my readers and clients.
My uniqueness means I am not for everyone. (Those of you who’ve known me for a long time are laughing.) While I try not to offend people, I am blunt and direct. I’m not going to try to spritz perfume on poop. Instead, I tell it as I see it and offer alternatives that might make sense for your situation.
Potential readers and clients can see that value in everything I write, every time I speak, in every interaction. Because they can see my value, they sell themselves on a relationship with me. (It’s a little different for larger organizations.)
The next time you want to influence someone, or have them buy something from you, consider these ideas:
- How can you empathize with their problems?
- Can you offer value that helps them with their problems?
- How early can you offer that value?
You won’t always get “the sale,” but you’ll get a relationship that lasts.