Back when I was in school, my teachers suggested I was capable of much more. I didn’t live up to their expectations.
Now, some people tell me my vertigo is the kind of challenge that fits into the category of: “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” Or, they say, “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.” Or my all-time (non)favorite: You’ve got this. For some unfathomable reason, they think I can do much more.
My reality does not live up to their expectations.
But where do those expectations come from? Why do people think they can know what any of us are capable of?
I suspect other people have expectations because they believe that if they were in my position, they could do what I cannot. Early in my quest for a diagnosis, one of my neurologists asked, “Do you like being dizzy?” His question shocked me into silence for a good twenty seconds. I wasn’t sure what to do with his lack of empathy.
It’s reasonable for us to have expectations—beliefs—of people with certain kinds of power. For example, I can expect leaders and managers to act in reasonable ways. (At least, I hope that they do.) They might not know what to do in certain situations, or their actions might disappoint me. Even if reality does not match my beliefs and expectations of them.
However, for those of us without title-based power, it’s not reasonable for us to expect more of people without knowing more about them. That’s because we don’t know what’s going on inside their heads.
When someone offers me their beliefs or platitudes, I don’t feel empathy. I feel as if they blame or pity me for having the problem. Even as these people think they’re encouraging me, with empathy.
Let’s clarify the definitions of empathy, sympathy, and pity.
Define Empathy, Sympathy, Pity
Too many of us use sympathy, empathy, and pity interchangeably. But they’re not at all the same.
- Empathy is when you can put yourself in someone’s situation. I feel with the other person, not about them.
- Sympathy is when I feel grief or sorrow with or another person.
- Pity is when I feel sorrow for or about another person. (Sometimes, fake sympathy appears as pity, when we feel about the other person.)
Empathy is with. The other stances are, too often, about. That distance often creates a mismatch of expectations.
Then, there are our emotions. I wonder if my teachers were jealous of what they thought my capabilities were. Maybe they were frustrated with my apparent lack of progress or caring. Upon reflection, I am sure my doctor was frustrated at his inability to help me manage my vertigo.
When we project our frustrations onto other people, we can create unrealistic expectations of those people. (See the Satir Interaction Model description in How Can You Create Better Interactions?)
It’s no wonder I feel frustrated by other people’s expectations of me. I’m not sure they start with empathy, but I definitely do not respond with empathy. However, I can choose which expectations I want to satisfy and when.
Whose Expectations Do You Choose to Satisfy and When?
I was very young when I decided to create and manage my expectations of myself. (Maybe nine or ten. I was still in elementary school.) Even at that age, I could see how some people had higher expectations of others than themselves.
Those higher expectations might lead to the platitudes other people express about my strength, or lack thereof.
Instead, I ask myself how I can create realistic expectations of myself. That allows me to work hard and know how to satisfy those expectations.
And if I have unrealistic expectations? I can always change my expectations to match my reality.
While I didn’t have the words for these ideas back when I was in school, I do now. And when people who don’t know my situation and say, “You can do it!” I often say, “I can, and I need a little help from you. Please do this thing for me.”
Most people delight in supporting me.
We get to choose. I recommend you, too, create your expectations of yourself. Then, decide how to satisfy those expectations.
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Till next time,
Johanna
© 2024 Johanna Rothman