How Much of a Hold Do Your Various Tribes Have on You?

(Warning: this post discusses the upcoming US Presidential election.)

Our identities mean we identify with many possible different tribes. By tribe, I mean a particular affinity group.

I have professional tribes, such as software people, managers, and consultants. Personally, I have my family tribe and my position in that tribe. I also have social tribes, such as for religion and politics.

Over the years, I’ve changed some of my tribes. I’ve dropped some kinds of people and added others. Some tribes have changed their importance in my life.

I suspect most people change their tribes as they age. But there’s one noticeable exception to that generalization: my dad.

My dad was an Eagle Scout, veteran (he served during the Korean War), effective manager, devoted husband and father, and a master duplicate bridge player. While his family was first, bridge was a close second. (If you know duplicate bridge players, you might wonder if bridge was first. No. It was a very close second.)

In addition, Dad proudly affiliated as a staunch conservative and Republican. He used to tell me he loved Trump’s policies—but thought the man was terrible. (In contrast, he thought Obama was a terrific person but had terrible policies.)

He stuck with that conservative tribe up until January 6, 2021.

While he didn’t totally break with Republicans after January 6, he pulled away from them. He told me, “They’re not real Republicans.”

Tribes Change Over Time

Sometimes, we don’t change our tribes as much as they change and no longer fit us.

Even before Trump, my dad was emotionally invested in being a conservative. As a “Reagan” conservative, he believed in small government and trickle-down economics. And personal responsibility was a big deal to him. He wanted the government out of his life and to provide the minimum necessary social services.

Dad died in 2021 before the Supreme Court overturned Roe. But he told me I was foolish for voting to protect reproductive healthcare. He told me no conservative court would legislate from the bench—that wasn’t the conservative way. It was literally inconceivable to him that they would.

But even with his conservative views, January 6 was a defining moment for him. As a service member, he took an oath to the Constitution. And as a conservative, he could think of nothing more important than to serve the Constitution.

And the rest of the Republicans? Sometimes, he shook his head and wondered how they could be like lemmings, blindly following their leader off a cliff.

In the last eighteen months of his life, he struggled with who his tribe was and what it stood for. Especially since he told me the mark of a person is how they treat people.

How Does Your Tribe Treat Others?

When I was in high school, I had an hourly job at the factory where my dad worked as an executive. That job convinced me I wanted a white collar job, with air conditioning in the summer and heat in the winter.

But I saw something on the factory floor that troubled me. A supervisor yelled at one of the hourly workers. Less than five minutes later, the supervisor had a conversation with an exec, and claimed credit for something the worker had done. I turned away in disgust and continued my work.

Later, on our drive home, I asked questions about how managers should treat people, without mentioning those specifics. We discussed possible scenarios. My dad finished the conversation with this insight:

The measure of a person is how well they treat others—especially those with less power. 

I took that lesson to heart. While I’m not perfect, I try to treat other people well.

Dad started to pull away from Trump when it was clear Trump incited an insurrection. Dad continued to pull away as Trump blamed others for his choices.

Would my dad pull away from his tribe now, far enough away to vote for someone who is not a conservative? I have no idea. I can no longer have these conversations with him.

If you, like my dad, identify with the conservative tribe, please consider loosening your affiliation. Because Trump is telling us that this US presidential election is not about policy, especially not traditional conservatism. It’s about whether we will have more elections in the future and who will be able to vote in them.

Please join me in casting your vote for Harris/Walz.

That’s the question this week: How much of a hold do your various tribes have on you?