As I’ve challenged myself physically, I noticed I’m talking out loud, coaching myself. My most frequent word is “Okay.” Okay is short for: “Okay, you finished that piece. Now, it’s time for the next step so you can accomplish this entire thing.”
I try to keep my self-talk positive because I want to reinforce finishing something so I can get to the next place. If I were negative about myself, I might not be interested in getting to the next step. Or, I might start that next step feeling bad about myself.
Yet, many of my colleagues say terrible things about themselves. One of my dear writer friends regularly says he stinks as a writer. An excellent project manager bemoans his current project, wondering if he can somehow pull a rabbit out of his hat. And a manager whose team remains loyal to her and the organization regularly says she’s a terrible manager.
All of these people have been successful up until now. I don’t understand their self-talk. At all.
When I challenge them, they tell me they are using self-deprecating humor. I would not characterize their self put-downs as anything like that.
Self-Deprecating Humor Is Not the Same as Self-Talk
I often use self-deprecating humor when I speak, but only highlighting something I cannot change, where it’s me against the world.
For example, if I’m getting ready to speak and I’m standing next to a lectern, I might well say something like this: “I’m standing next to the lectern so you can all see me. However, if you’re all the way in the back, you still might not be able to see me because I chose the wrong parents. Great sense of humor. Not enough height.”
People understand when we don’t fit into some place where the “average” person might. I can’t change my height. However, I can change my reaction, which is why this is self-deprecating humor, not self-talk.
I use self-talk as positive reinforcement to change my near future.
Positive Reinforcement Helps Me Accomplish More
I’m a big fan of small increments of value leading to finishing or accomplishing something useful. I’ve done this for years.
Back in college, I learned from my computer science exams. My GPA would have been higher if I had learned before the exams, but I learned. For the first decade or so of my professional career, I kept an Engineering Notebook. I took notes about my errors. Slowly, I made fewer of them—all because I noticed them and used my self-talk to coach myself into doing something different.
I want to do a great job—and so do almost all the people I know. That’s why I find positive reinforcement, that positive self-talk, works so well for me. I’m not the only one. If you also like positive self-talk, or if you’re not sure, read The Progress Principle: Using Small Wins to Ignite Joy, Engagement, and Creativity at Work (my Amazon affiliate link) by Amabile and Kramer.
My positive self-talk correlates with Amabile and Kramer’s ideas of small wins.
Consider a Short Self-Talk Experiment
Maybe you think you need to be hard on yourself to succeed. If so, consider a small experiment: For one week, turn all your negative self-talk into positive self-talk. Here are three examples:
- Instead of, “I’m a screw-up,” say, “That did not go as planned. I wonder which other choices I could make and when.”
- Instead of “I’m a terrible person,” say, “I wonder how I might have considered offering that person more grace.” (I admit, this one is extremely difficult for me.)
- Instead of anything that puts yourself down, start with “Okay.” That allows you to acknowledge the situation and consider your next or future options.
I often start with this third option, the “Okay,” because that allows me to see my reality. We can’t change anything until and unless we can see where we are.
I have a ton of possible accomplishments. I use my self-talk to finish enough to accomplish them. Consider what you use for self-talk and how that might help you accomplish what you want to.