This is Johanna Rothman’s May 2025 Create an Adaptable Life Newsletter. The unsubscribe link is at the bottom of this email.
A few weeks ago, I met a friend, Dave, for lunch. We’d had to cancel that lunch two weeks in a row. The first time was because I was sick. While I selfishly decided to stay home and drink gallons of hot tea, I am sure Dave appreciated my selfishness. I was not going to be generous with my cold.
The second time we missed lunch was because he was the designated driver for a friend who needed a procedure. Dave acted with generosity—just not with me.
Since I was behind on my writing due to my cold, I took advantage of that cancellation to write. I was generous to Dave and to myself.
We were both selfish and generous at different times. And I know I felt good about my decisions. (I’m pretty sure Dave did, too.)
We can categorize these decisions as “Me” or “We.”
Selfish “Me” and Generous “We” Decisions
During lunch, Dave introduced me to the idea of “We” and “Me” decisions.
Allowing someone to ease into traffic is often a “We” decision, a generous decision. But it doesn’t feel generous when the driver behind the first driver pushes their way in front of you. That often feels selfish to me. I let the first person in—why can’t the other person wait for the car behind me to let them in, so we alternate cars?
I live in the Boston area, where driving is a competitive sport. That’s because the roads are too narrow and curvy for the amount of traffic. So we cut people off in traffic. Or, we pull in front of people waiting to turn—and then we get stuck at a light.
Are those selfish, “Me” decisions? Or are they thoughtless?
When I do it, I’m being thoughtless. (Generous to me.) When you do it, you’re being selfish. That’s because I know my context, but I do not know yours.
What’s the Context for the Apparently Selfish Decision?
Back when I was driving the various carpools, I made apparently selfish driving decisions because I had an overriding goal: Never have the children worry about my ability to pick up or drop off. Their mental health mattered much more to me than other drivers’ momentary inconvenience.
I make many apparently selfish decisions. For example, I no longer speak at a conference unless the conference (or a client in the same city) pays me to attend. And I don’t speak at a virtual conference for free if the organizer charges a significant amount for registration. Why should I make a “We” decision when the conference chooses a “Me” decision? That doesn’t make sense to me.
I do not publish my audiobooks on some well-known platforms because the royalties I receive are minuscule compared to the value of those books. I make a “Me” decision because the distributors also make “Me” decisions. Their lack of generosity changed my business decisions.
We make these kinds of Me or We, selfish or generous, decisions all the time.
We make selfish decisions to make our lives easier. And when we can be generous, we can smooth other people’s lives, too.
Sometimes, more information can change our context and our decisions.
Information About Consequences Can Create More Selfishness and More Generosity
Not all decisions are created equal. The decisions I make for my business and personal life often affect just a few people aside from me.
But community or society decisions are different. That’s when we need to examine the consequences of a “Me” decision, where we choose to be selfish. What is the cost of being selfish compared to the value of a generous decision? Will this decision inconvenience others? Or will my selfishness damage their homes or lives?
If we’re not thinking about the context and therefore the consequences of our selfishness or generosity, we can’t make good decisions.
I don’t know what the “best” decision is. However, the more generous we can be as a society, the easier it is for all of us to live. Generosity allows us to smooth the way for others. That means people can arrive for their lunch dates, live healthy lives, and smooth the way for people after us.
Announcements…
I am off to tech review and final copyediting for Effective Public Speaking: How to Use Content Marketing With Stories to Show Your Value. It’s only available on leanpub right now as I work through the final words. I’m planning a Kickstarter to publish the paper books. When I have the link for that Kickstarter, I’ll let you know.
If you are part of the agile community, consider checking out The Agile Network. Also, don’t miss out on discounted membership options. Use Discount Code: ROTHMANPMC33 to get 33% OFF all memberships. I’m speaking several times at the May micro-conference next week.
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- Create an Adaptable Life Blog to see the weekly question of the week. (Yes, I offer an RSS feed so you can read the blog in a newsreader.)
- My Books
- My Workshops
- Managing Product Development Blog
- Johanna’s Fiction
Till next time,
Johanna
© 2025 Johanna Rothman